If we get hit by a satellite, don't blame me...

Do you ever have those dreams that plague you all day long? No matter what you do, you just keep thinking and thinking about it. Trying to analyze what it could mean and what you missed or can't remember. Trying to hold on to the fleeting memory of a dream can be hard, and trying to put it into words, can be next to impossible. It can drive a person batty.
I slept horribly last night and the night before I had to stay up all night at the ER with Zion. I think when I finally got into a good REM sleep this morning, after I got the kids off to school, my brain was just chocked full of pent up dreams.
One part of my dream I had an owl nesting in my house and it hatched a baby, but some animal conservationist came and took it away. I got to hold it before they left until it started freaking out. All through the dream I was carrying my Belly as a kitten in my pocket through some kind of flea market or antique mall.
I hate that you can only vividly remember parts of your dreams. There should be some way to record them so you can watch them again. Imagine how cool that would be, especially to those of us who believe in dreams having hidden meanings and sometimes being able to foresee the future.
Anyway...
In the dream, I was with many of the people I love and consider family. We were all in separate vehicles though and had gone off in different directions. The dream had us in some small towns not far from here. We were getting ready to head home and I saw a huge satellite dish crash to earth and a big black cloud start to envelope the area. It seems like it was miles from where we were. People started to panic and chaos commenced. I had a bunch of the kids with me and yelled for them to jump in the car. Zion came running to the car and I said "What are you doing running? Where is your wheelchair?" We sped off towards home and we were blocked from going our usual way because there were roadblocks and a sign that said Dangerous Site ahead. I was so worried about all the others who could be at home already and not knowing if the satellite fell close to our house.
It was quite the intense dream and I will not forget it anytime soon, that's for sure! I will be waiting for the day where we can record our dreams and watch them whenever we want to.

catch the memories~

We finally got a new camera today! Our camera had been messed up for a while and when we went to Phoenix, it died right before one of the most memorable events of our lives. I haven't had a camera for months. I feel like I missed out on memories over the holidays and such. How many times did I think or say I wish I had a camera. We waited until we could get a decent camera and I am so happy. Can't wait to catch those moments~

Poetry from the Past

I was looking through old files the other day and found the poems I wrote for Chris when we first got together on JS. I used to love writing poetry. Some of them are the word of the day poems I used to do and others are just words.
I need to find my muse again~

~HARRIDAN~

I will not become a harridan
for I have found a one
to make me grow and bloom within
and brighten like the sun
my breast does swell
with just a look
my soul becomes an open book
and in him I do surely see
a future that was meant for me


~Spring salad~

You create
a salmagundi of emotions
that course through my body
and cause me to shudder
without being touched
as if your thoughts could caress me
and stir up my longing
till I almost burst
with anticipation of touch
and what will soon come
when body meets body
and eyes contact eyes
and the two of us mesh
and from into one
no longer divided
by so many miles
but writhing together
united in passion
till we've both come undone


~tranmissions~

Your voice
bounces to me
from tower to tower
over so many miles
the sound
soothes my soul
and shortens the hours
till we meet in a while
transmitting your soul
on a cellular level
to bounce into mine
across the state lines


~Cap-a-pie~

I long for kissing cap-a-pie
To taste the salt and sweet
To blur my mind
and satisfy
this longing
then to sleep

~the gloaming~

I long to sit
in the gloaming
with you
watching the twinkle
of fireflies
in the summer's climax
entangled in
glistening limbs
inhaling
your aura


~Glow~

Leave me disheveled
a smile on my face.
The lingering feeling
of my saving grace.
The warmth of your touch
still burns on my skin.
Your mouth's sweet caress
that was felt from within.
Leave me with a glow
from your thrusting release.
The thing I was craving
to bring me some peace.

Sometimes getting the bitch out works

So I let some frustration and anger out today on my husband and I guess it worked. I think I scared the hell outta him! Don’t get me wrong… I love him and we are mostly happy, but who is ever happy all the time? I just want me time and my vehicle back! As much as I love being a hermit, I NEED to get out of this house sometimes. I have not worked for 6 years and since Zion is doing ok right now, I want a job to get me out of the rut I am in.

I am so sick of housework and care taking.

Right now I am on the point of just going on strike and seeing how long it takes them to notice I am doing nothing. They would never last past snacktime after school. They can’t live on Ramen, eggs and sandwiches forever (though I might make them for a few days). I think I might just do that and see how much more they appreciate the Guinness stew in a few days.

Who am I kidding…

I am never able to just let it all go.

Tomorrow I will still do laundry, go grocery shopping, clean up bedrooms, clean catpans, dishes, organize things and put things away.

But tomorrow night I get ME TIME!! The bff( who is now living here, but that’s another story) and I are going to Zumba class! YAY! It is time for me to get me back.

On a side note..

I know I have not blogged in so long and I have many things to tell! So things to look forward to reading include but are not limited to:

~Zion’s Make a Wish granting and our trip to Phoenix to meet an author

~Why razors are evil and hospital stays make good vacations

~I dare Zion’s school to try to fine me for Truancy

~Did I happen to mention my New Year’s Resolution is to not be so nice?

~Word of the Day poems and haikus

~Randomosity

I WILL blog more in 2010~

I need a rant

Months since I have written here and I have to update with a rant…..

I am tired.

I am tired of being nice to people and being taken advantage of.

I am tired of doing things all by myself even though 7 other people live here.

I am tired of the kids being disrespectful,

I am tired of my husband not having his own vehicle and driving MY van that is supposed to be for Zion’s use.

I am tired of my kid telling me this is his house and he will kick me out when he can.

I am tired of not having a job or money and not having any way to get to a job because we have one vehicle.

I am tired of being a nurse, cook, maid and laundry lady and not getting paid for it.

I am tired of never getting a break from my kids and then listening to my friends who get breaks ALL the time whine and complain about their kids.

I am tired of whiny people.

I am tired of stupid bitches.

I am tired of cleaning up after animals.

I am tired of the struggle and constant worry about money, bills, food, etc…

I am so tired of being nice and I am just plain tired but can’t sleep.

Stupid hospital...

Zion went for his normal appointment at the wound clinic on Friday and ended up in the emergency room by 4 pm. One of his wounds has tunneled under the skin and has become infected. He also has a UTI. The doc wanted him to come in to get a cat scan to see how deep the wound went. He finally got the scan at around 11 pm. The ER was insane between accidents and people with the flu, People were vomiting everywhere. Nice…

They admitted him early Saturday morning. We finally got a room on the peds ward at 2 am. Zion was so pissed because it was homecoming weekend and he missed the game Friday and the dance Saturday night. At least he missed his birthday by a day.

We are still waiting on answers and I am so glad Monday is here. This hospital virtually shuts down on the weekends. They did an MRI on Saturday and I have not heard much about it yet. Only thing I have heard is that the infection is not into his femur. They may do surgery to clean the wound out, but not sure yet. I just want some answers today.

I am a bit perturbed that the peds ward has NO accessible bathrooms or showers. How can that be right? I was in the hospital for a week about two months ago with a staph infection and MRSA and my bathroom had a nice wheel-in shower. That was in the new part of the hospital. The peds ward was just remodeled within the last few years and no one thought they may have a need for handicap accessible bathroom!? Where’s the ADA when you need it? I will be making a formal complaint.

Please keep Zion in your thoughts and prayers. He has been through too much for his 16 years. Just when we think things are going well something happens. He had been back in school full time and got a part in the school production of Much Ado About Nothing. He was so happy to be in school again. I hope that he will not have to be here too long and he can go back to school.

The sky was yellow and the sun was blue~

Sixteen years ago I brought my first little miracle into this world after about 2 days of labor. He was stubborn from the beginning. He came two weeks late and I went into hard labor the morning I was to be induced. I remember my sister-in-laws and mom seeing his full head of hair popping out and my boyfriend(not the dad) happened to pop his head in the room just as he was crowning and he yelled "I'm sorry", even though he didn't knock me up. Somehow, with the strange connection his dad and I have always had, he managed to call at the time I was delivering. He knew Zion was coming.
I still think Zion saved me. I have no idea where I would have ended up if I had not gotten pregnant. It could have been in crack alley in San Fran. Or on some commune in Hawaii. He changed my life, at 18 years old, for the better and I am so thankful for that gift.
I wish he could have saved his dad from all the tribulations he has put himself through.
Who knew 16 years ago that everything that has happened would.
It has now been almost 10 years since he was paralyzed and life is not easy, but I still have him.
He is your typical difficult teenager with some extra added angst and issues stemming from the spinal cord injury.
He is an awesome human being that I am so proud of.
Some days he is the bane of my existence.
I love him so very very much.